I'm a bit of a perfectionist, I'll admit. I will also admit that I frequently fall short of my target. As I examine myself and perfection in different areas of my life, it gives me new perspective on what we ask of our kids...what we hope for...what we expect...What does it mean to be perfect? Successful? What is the definition of success? How do we know we have arrived?Most of you know, I am a person who stutters when I speak. I'm thinking of starting up a Stutterers Anonymous chapter because I'm working to drop the habit. But seriously, at 42, this past summer I sought out speech therapy again for the first time in over 10 years. Much like the students we work with at SOAR, and each and every one of us, if we are truly honest with ourselves, we all have had personal challenges. Mine has been a life-long challenge to speak like others do, to be able to communicate free from stress, anxiety and worrying whether or not I am going to be able to say the things I want to say, the way I want to say them, when I want or need to say them. Like you when you found SOAR for your children, I, too, have, for the first time in my life, found help and support for my challenge that is really working. I can't explain to you exactly how it is working or why it is working quite yet, though I have been involved in it for about 7 months now. I only know that for the first time in my life, I have gotten to a point with my speech where I am liberated. For the first time in my life, I have gotten,through therapy, to the point where I no longer worry whether I am going to be able to say what I want to say, but rather I simply focus on what it is that I wish to convey, like most average speakers. To delve into how this therapy has taken me to a point that no other therapy has in my life is beyond the scope of this entry. What my therapy session tonight got me to focus on, is to take a long hard look at what, exactly, is my definition of success. As I reflect upon this idea of success in my speech and in other aspects of my life, I also look at what success means, or perhaps should mean for your children, here at SOAR, and long after they leave us.
To start off, I must say that one aspect of my therapy that has been vastly different than therapies past, is that my therapist sincerely cares about me, and wants to get to know me as a person. Much like I try to do with my students, my therapist, Dr. David Shapiro of Western Carolina University, has taken the time to get to know me as a person, and who I am aside from my challenge. Knowing that he cares, has allowed me to carry him, and what he has taught me on my shoulder wherever I go. It has allowed me, perhaps for the first time in my life, to make the transfer of the things I have learned, the fluency I have experienced in the therapy situation, into the real world, one of the failures of most traditional therapies.
Aside from strategies, empathy, compassion, and friendship David has had me focus on success & perfection, and what my definition of success is, with regard to my speaking. Though the definition of success is still evolving for me, I have come to the conclusion that success, in fact, is not perfection. Success for me, at this point and time, is having the strength, and the solid ground to stand on, of knowing that I have all the strategies, tools and skills I need to be able to communicate smoothly, fluently and effectively. For the first time in my life I know that perfection in speaking is not success for me. Rather success for me is knowing that while I may not be perfect, or speak perfectly all the time, that I have it within me to do so, to pick myself up, dust myself off if I slide back for a moment or a day, and continue to move forward with the knowledge that I have all that I need within my grasp to speak well. Success is getting to the point in my life where there is no more fear of speaking and failing. While there may be occasional "failures" they are now minor inconveniences, rather than major setbacks to my self- confidence, and self- esteem. While anxiety may still come about, and cause me to stutter occasionally, there no longer is the snowball effect of failure in the speaking realm creating a fear of more failure that can, to many stutterers be paralyzing.
Now if I could only create more balance in my work life, and not seek perfection in everything I do professionally. But that's a topic for another blog.
How does this relate to your kids, there experience at SOAR and beyond? As parents, I think that we all recognize that perfection is not necessarily attainable. But what is success for your child, your SOAR student?
When students come to SOAR, many of them have significant setbacks with self- confidence and or self- esteem, that in many respects can be as paralyzing as stuttering and the fear of failure used to be for me. When you have failed at something time after time, in the past, I can speak from experience when I say, it is easy to fall into the self fufilling prophecy, "I think I will fail again, therefore I fail."
I haven't specifically asked parents, "So why did you chose SOAR for your child?" It is beyond the scope of my role, and it is a personal question. Most parents, however, through our conversations in the beginning, and throughout the semester will make it clear why SOAR was the choice for their child. It is ususally because traditional methods have failed. Much like my very special therapist, SOAR is an oasis in the desert, a safe place to land, heal and grow.
So what should you expect from your child's SOAR experience? Well that isn't really for me to say. Besides, SOAR is much more than just academics, and has so many facets to it that I have yet to discover myself. Ok, so what should you expect from your child's SOAR academic experience? This I can probably answer, and be safe to voice my opinion.
Academic success at SOAR isn't getting all A's though we do individualize instruction in a way that allows most students who try to be very successful.
Academic success at SOAR isn't necessary blazing through all the coursework that they would do at a traditional school to make certain beyond a doubt that they have the "perfect" looking transcript for wherever their academic journeys take them after SOAR, though we do try our hardest to accomodate that.
I believe, since examining this concept of success, that success, academically- speaking at SOAR is about building students back up, where others have torn them down. Much like my speech therapist is building me up by showing me all the things about my speech that I am already doing well, we create academic success for students at SOAR by focusing on what they are doing right, and building on that.
Success, academically- speaking at SOAR, is about your child finding people, both peers and professionals who believe in them, stand behind them, and support them all the way, while keeping them accountable for the things they need to be working on, to grow, much like my speech therapist, David Shapiro. Knowing that there are those who care, and allowing your children to carry us on their shoulder constantly as a reminder of all they "are" capable of is what academics at SOAR are about.
Success, academically- speaking at SOAR should be teaching students that occasional "failures" can become minor inconveniences, rather than major setbacks to self- confidence, and self- esteem. While anxiety may still come about, and cause a student to flounder or fail occasionally, there no longer needs to be the snowball effect of failure in their own personal realms creating a fear of more failure that can, to many be paralyzing.
Aside from empathy, compassion, and friendship at SOAR, success, academically speaking at SOAR, should provide students with the strategies, tools and skills they need for their tool belt to help them be successful at school and with learning, that gives your children the strength, and the solid ground to stand on, no matter who or what tries to shake them.
