Thank God I Have Normal Kids & What To Do When That Illusion is Shattered

"Thank God I Have Normal Kids!" (& What I Do When That Illusion is Shattered)

 

 

 

 

Working in education for a long time, I've worked with  many kids, probably had contact with hundreds, all great kids, but not a single one of them normal. Let me clarify, I have come to believe that there is no such thing as normal. Kids are individuals, just like the rest of us, and that being the case, they each come with their own unique set of characteristics and quirks, that make them uniquely who they are.

 

So perhaps a better way to describe my thankfulness, is that for roughly 15+ years, I have, with my wife been in the process of raising two beautiful girls, who are well-rounded, good students, who have friends, have their health, and were generally issue-free and low maintenance. Does that mean raising them has been easy? Absolutely not. I have, however, over the years, been thankful that my kids haven't had any serious struggles, like a lot of the kids I've worked with in the schools, and at SOAR.

 

My sense of normalcy was shattered over the past few weeks. One of my kids was diagnosed with an eating disorder. What started out over months, as healthy eating, turned into restricting calories, and exercising a lot. It turned into not eating, and fighting over meals. I  won't get into the nitty gritty, but the diagnosis was Anorexia Nervosa.

 

I won't say our world was turned upside down, but I knew we had to relinquish control to the professionals, the experts, and trust that they know what is best for our child, in much the same way parents turn to the folks at SOAR in faith, that they know and will do what is in the best interest of their child.

 

What follows is a generalization, and in no way intends to condemn the entire medical profession, but I am pissed. You don't have to be a counseler, therapist or psychiatrist to know that eating disorders have a psychological origin that has to be addressed, for recovery to begin. This is what I have witnessed so far, knowing that each incident of all my child's needs not being met, is, no doubt, being billed, heavily.

 



 

The doctors, and the interns all see us on " their rounds", which means after a day or so you can't keep track of all the doctors, other than to refer to them as " The lady doctor" or " The doctor with the beard who obviously goes cas on Satyrday" Every doctor comes in, after reviewing the chart, and my daughter's vitals, giving us all an update that lasts a few minutes at best. Some come in and actually have the gall to say that they "don't have any new information", and leave within a few minutes, leaving me with the realization, "damn, they just charged us for that?"

 

I question my daughter's treatment, which consists of vitals checks, eating and repeating. I say to the doctor of the hour that I feel that there is a psychological component that isn't being addressed here, that I feel is vital to my daughter's recovery process. Now I sound more like the doctor than the doctor. The doctor's response, " Our system, unfortunately isn't set up to provide that. Your daughter is in the hospital for nutrition and medical stabilization. I wish we were set up to do more, but unfortunately we aren't." He went on to tell me the sob story of how the psychiatrists at the hospital were extremely stretched and over booked, and proceeded to tell me how the kid who was diagnosed with Leukemia yesterday takes priority.

 

This is what I have come to expect of the bureaucracy of the public sector, but not of medical professionals with years of training in the double digits, and undoubtedly salaries in the six figures. I begin to think of that old expression, " You get what you pay for, " and how it obviously doesn't apply here at this hospital. In fact, I know we are going to be paying through the nose, for what  I'm uncertain. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stomach the itemized bill.

 

My daughter's day consists of ( when I am there to witness it) reading, watching TV, playing an occasional board, game, an occasional crafts class, a wheelchair ride to the roof garden or the main lobby, neither of which have any entertainment value whatsoever.

 

She is supervised around the clock with personnel referred to as "sitters". These folks are not full- fledged nurses, though they are trained to check vitals, whose job it is to monitor my daughter around the clock, to make sure she doesn't do anything she isn't supposed to do. I won't get into the specifics of that, as they haven't really either.

 

She is bored, and tired of eating what she considers to be less than healthy caloric-high foods, to get her weight and her vital signs back to normal. What these medical professionals are neglecting, in my professional opinion, is the " whole" child. I mean they are a children's hospital for cryin out loud. Isn't this stuff in Psych 101?

 

These sitters, watch TV with her, check her vitals occasionally, and praise her for doing a good job eating. They offer nothing more than that and it is obvious that they aren't trained to do so. I can't wait to see what their  services bill out to.

 

She has been a good sport for a while, but on day 6 of her hospital stay, she is having a hard time with them increasing her calories and portion sizes each day, to well what is beyond normal, because that is what is needed to get her body back to physiological health. She is sick and tired of eating huge portions of food, and while she doesn't say it in these exact words, is sick and tired of them stuffing her full of food without even glossing over the underlying problem.

 

Her primary care doctor for eating disorders rationalizes that until my daughter is well-nourished, she isn't necessarily thinking clearly, and thus, wouldn't benefit to the fullest extent from therapy.

 

I often take a little bit to process information, so my comebacks aren't always what I would like them to be. Though my training doesn't have an ounce of medicine in it, beyond my high school biology classes, as an educator, someone who works intensely with children, it is my professional opinon that this hospital, these doctors are half-assing it. Whether intentional or not, they are not, and have not been considering the "whole" child and what the " whole" child needs, like we do at SOAR, and the Academy at SOAR.

 

The result is, that my daughter's vitals are almost normal, so we suspect they will say she is " ready" to come home very soon. We know, and it's not brain surgery to figure this one out, that when our daughter texts us, when we are not at the hospital, and tells us to " take me home," and that "If they continue to make her me more than I am ready to eat, rather than doing it gradually, I am going to stop eating as soon as I get home," that the doctors with all their medical degrees, and all their wisdom, have done little more than put a proverbal bandaid on a gaping wound.

 

Why, you may ask, do I tell such a personal story? What's my point? This story gets to the heart of what we do at SOAR and at The Academy at SOAR. It's what makes us special, what makes us unique. We do what medical professionals, who bill and are paid multiples of what we charge and get paid don't do. We care for the whole child, and the whole family.

 

We take the time, no matter how long it takes, to meet a child's needs, to address the needs of a family. We don't simply see our kids "on rounds", read a chart, make a diagnosis, and prescribe a treatment. We do all that, and then we treat the whole child, every day, all day long using whatever it takes to be successful.

 

It isn't simply good enough to focus on one aspect of a child/student's well-being, so that they are " good enough" to go home. We want to give them the tools and the strategies to "make it" there.

 

To this day, I don't think I truly had an appreciation for what we do for kids, and for families here at SOAR. We go the extra mile, and do beyond what is expected, even if it stretches us to a point where we can stretch no more. Why do we do it? It's the right thing to do, and its making a difference.

 

Perhaps the doctors can learn a thing or two from the folks at SOAR. Chances are they won't. We are what we are, and do what we do, because we are a unique breed. It just makes me angry, damn it. When you are talking about your child's life and wellbeing, you want folks to be real with you, but you shouldn't have to settle for less than the best, and lame-ass excuses.

 



 

 

What to Expect When You're Expecting... Results

 

As a SOAR and an Academy at SOAR parent, you want it all. This year I am thrilled to say I have heard from many pleased parents, who have told us their child loves school and learning for the first time, and that their kids feel successful.

 

However, there have been some parents I've spoken to lately who I feel we haven't met their expectations with their children's academics. I take the blame for that. In my efforts to please the client and meet everyone's needs, I've become a little less than real, and I need to be a little more upfront about what we do and can't do, for good reasons.  Perhaps I haven't been perfectly clear.

 

The Academy at SOAR is not an ordinary school. It is an extrordinary school. The Academics are important and they are strong. But the academics are not what makes SOAR and The Academy special. Strange as it sounds coming from the Academic Director, academics are not the most important part.

 

It is everything else that SOAR gives kids besides traditional academics that makes S0AR  special.

 

Yes, we've gained a reputation that precedes us, which is why perhaps people come to SOAR and the academy expecting to pick their child's education off a menu of what they want in a perfect world. Even at SOAR it doesn't work quite like that.

 

Here's how it works. I don't tell you how it works because I have decreed it, for I have only been at SOAR for a mere two years.

 

SOAR is what it is, because their are student needs not being fulfilled by traditional schools, whether they be public or private.

 

SOAR is what it is, because traditional methods of traditional instruction delivered in traditional ways, with traditional measures to show for it don't work with non- traditional students.

 

I'm not saying that doing what has always been done and expecting miraculous results is the defition of insanity. It is just time for a reality check, for myself included. We can't bt definition of who we are do things the way they have traditionally been done. Otherwise, what option would that really provide your kids.

 

So what can you expect? You may have to strap yourself in for an expectation shift.

 



 

 

 

Traditional schools are traditional results oriented, where the measure of success is a product, usually a test score. I've had parents tell me what their children have done at" other" schools, thereby implying, or stating directly what they expect to see coming from their child at SOAR. Well, I will say again, that is not how it works.I mean no disrespect when I say this.  We don't define success in merely traditional senses. That is not to say we don't have high standards for student academics. When a parent tells me what there child accomplished at "another school" implying that we are in some way missing the mark, I want to say to them, "and now you are at The Academy at SOAR, so how did that other school work for ya?" But I don't, because that would be too blunt.

 

Kids,students come to SOAR for no other reason than things didn't work out where they came from. So why, logically, would we do things at SOAR, the way the schools they came from did it?

 



 Do I need to say it?

Now I know that SOAR parents want their child to not get behind in school, stay on track for graduation, and gain the skills necessary to be successful now and in the future, wherever they are headed. Parents want to know their child is going to get the credits they need. I don't fault parents for that, and I don't say that isn't one of our goals with your child. It is but "one" of the goals.

 

 At SOAR, we are Process oriented, and "Success Oriented" as much as Product oriented. We are charged with the task of meeting the need of the whole child, something traditional school environments don't always seem so concerned with.

 

At SOAR we have the flexibility, the skills and resources to meet ALL our students, YOUR CHILD'S needs. That means, however, that we have a much bigger job to do, and the same ole' 24 hours a day to do it. So sometimes we have to prioritize. And our priorities aren't always the same as your traditional schools...what you're used to.

 

But, I reitterate, isn't that why you picked SOAR when you found SOAR? Because we offered something different.

 

Case and Point. On expedition in DC last night, our team had nightly meeting which involved highlights from the day, pluses and deltas (things we did good and things we could do better) among other processing activities. As the academic guy, I've provided not only the plans but the implementation of the academics this expedition. We were going to work into nightly meeting a processing of prompts responded to, reflections of things learned and experience not to forget from our expedition logs.

 

(Expedition logs are a personal journal or diary of sorts, where students write, not specifically for a grade, but to reflect and gather written snapshots of their adventures- an component of project- based learning)

 

The team had some interpersonal issues. They had some conflicts that they needed to work through and it got heated. I decided fairly quickly that I was tossing academics (I.e. Expedition logs) out the window for the evening. Your kids were working through some social and team issues that were more primary needs.It's along the same lines as kids not being able to do their best work if they haven't had a good nutritious meal.If we don't nourish the soul, the mind can't do its best on academics. A traditional school doesn't do that.

 

I had another student on another day whose parents expected to see more high quality writing samples from their student. This student had been writing quite well in his expedition log. This student was demonstrating the ability to be a strong leader within his team. Verbally, he was demonstrating that he is as sharp as they come. He wasn't writing the 5 paragraph essay on a weekly basis yet. The parent was concerned. How can I help this parent to understand that what their child is gaining both in school and out of school is so much more valuable than a perfect essay a week. I understand. When you're not with your child everyday, work products are all you have to judge the quality of their education. That, and my word.

 

There was another parent with a similar concern. Their child did not have writing samples of a multi-paragraph essay. This student struggled with handwriting and was becoming more and more willing to word process. I was working on praising the " successive approximations" of the eventual goal of that multi-paragraph paper, but the student wasn't there yet. And that was ok. This particular student was growing socially within the team and the academic setting, was doing his work, and participating wonderfully in class. Something he didn't do at the beginning. Another example of how the success or lack-there-of is being measured traditionally, when a SOAR education doesn't fit the traditional mold. Again, when you're not with your child everyday, work products are all you have to judge the quality of their education. That, and my word.

 

So what is my message here? I have seen, in just a short time at SOAR as the Academic Director for The Academy at SOAR how SOAR changes kids lives in ways that go so far beyond academics it's not even funny. Academics are important, and we are doing them better than ever before.

 

This is what I ask. Trust us. But don't simply take my word for anything. Call me. Email me. Ask me questions. Ask any of us questions. Grill us. Stay connected.

 

 

 

Know that if you don't get the answer from us that you would expect from a traditional school, or the results you would expect from a traditional school, in a perfect world with your child, that it is not bad, or deficient, just different. On the contrary, a SOAR education is so much more than a traditional school could hope to give a child. We are all very proud of that.

 

So the results you can expect, may be easy to see on paper at times, but much of the time they won't be evident until you talk to your child, or see them in person at the end of the semester. They are results that are life changing. They are results that will last a lifetime.

Imagine

Imagine an education for kids with ADHD and other challenges where the focus was not simply on grades, test scores, and holding kids to an unrealistic standard,"for them". Rather education for kids with ADHD and other challenges was a dance of sorts, an art, to meet that kid where they're at, and utilize their strengths to let them become the leader, the navigator of their education and their destinies, where success was not defined by a universal and arbitrary standard, but by what each student genuinely needed to call themselves successful, to feel successful. What if we guided students, encouraged them that they can do it, praised them at approximations of their goals, and called that success every step of the way. What great young adults we would be molding. Actually, they'd be molding themselves... And they'd be ok, no they'd be good with that. They'd be at SOAR. Some of them already are...The rest of the country would never go for it. It's so much easier to give a test....

I Didn't Know The Academy at SOAR was A Full Year School Program

SOAR is a full year school program?

The more people I talk to, the more I am convinced that The Academy at SOAR is education's best kept secret. That isn't necessarily a good thing.

If I talk to  people where I live in Charlotte, a mere two and a half hours from our Balsam base, folks have never heard of SOAR. Our Science and Math teacher Aaron says he has talked to folks from Waynesville, North Carolina, about 15 minutes from us, and many of them have never heard of us, or at best say they've heard of SOAR but have no idea what we do.



As Cool Hand Luke once said, "It seems as though what he have here is a failure to communicate," or to market to say the least. SOAR has been around in various incarnations since 1977. That's 35 years give or take, and some of the neighbors don't know who we are.

So we get the message out that SOAR exists, and that we're a great thing for kids. That's a start. But some don't know that SOAR has The Academy at SOAR, a full time, full year academic program for grades 6 to 12. " Well I thought you were just a semester program. I didn't know you offered a full school year program." " I wish you offered a school program for multiple years."

Looks like I've got to be the one to let the cat out of the bag. SOAR and The Academy at SOAR is a full year, fully functional, very successful academic program for students grades 6 - 12. We offer individualized, differentiated approach designed to meet students where they are at, and take them where they want, and need to go.

"Well that's fine and good, Mike, but why should I send my child to The Academy at SOAR for a whole school year?"

I'm so glad you asked that question.

For any student, in any program, transition is a challenge. For students with special needs and challenges like ADD/ADHD or learning disabilities, transition can be overwhelming, and, not planned and implemented with care and consideration, can be devastating.

From an Academy at SOAR perspective, students come in their first semester, and that semester is mainly about learning routines and systems, and a time for teachers to first evaluate first-hand a students strengths and needs. We use this time to get to know your child, what they can and can't do, so that our plan can evolve into what becomes an individualized, differentiated plan for teaching, reaching and learning for your child.

So often, the students I feel I have failed, are the ones who just come for a single semester. Just when we have identified needs, developed systems for meeting those needs, and getting into a groove, it is time for that student to move on to where the family or the student has decided they will go next.

SOAR and The Academy at SOAR is a good safe place for kids. I've often described it as an " Oasis in the desert" for students who haven't found success in other environments. It is a place where it is safe to make mistakes, learn from them. It is a place that accepts students for who they are, values and acknowledges their strengths, while at the same time building up their weaknesses. While the work our instructors and staff isn't magic, it is nothing short of miraculous. I have seen, in the two years I have been at SOAR, students grow so incredibly, academically, socially,and holisitically. Students at SOAR and The Academy at SOAR, are the first students in my 20 + year career in education, who have come up to me, unprompted at the end of a school year, or the end of their time at SOAR and have told me, unprompted, what they have learned, what they have gained, or how they have grown, as a result of their experiences at SOAR.  So perhaps I should just let the students speak for themselves.

So, is it difficult for parents, and their kids, for their kids to be away from home? Definately. Is it a financial commitment to send your child to SOAR, and the Academy at SOAR? Absolutely.

Consider, if you will, the things I have said above, as you make your decisions as to whether or not your child will attend SOAR and the Academy at SOAR for a single semester, or whether you and your child will make the commitment for the school year. As I have stated numerous times, it isn't my job to market our program. It is my job, and my team's job to teach your kids and do everything within my power and skillset to teach them how to learn and how to be successful at school, and enjoy doing it.

Consider the challenges your child may have, once acclimated to SOAR or any other school program for a semester, transitioning he or she out, into an entirely new and different school program. It can't be easy.

I say these things for partially selfish reasons. As an educator it is my job and my passion to make a difference with and for your kids. We, your child and our academic team, work diligently together over the course of the semester. We begin to see the progress, and the success that has the potential to turn into those happy endings, of things learned and gained and expressed by students, unprompted. Then a student says they are leaving before our work together is finished, it can be a bit defeating for both educator and student. We haven't had the chance to see our efforte bear fruit.

You're neve going to find a school, that treats your child like the individual they are, and caters to what they need, individually to be successful. I say this as a parent of two children who attend public schools. I say, perhaps with a little bias, but as an educator who has worked at several schools over the course of 20 years.

So I completely understand if you miss your child and want and need to have them back at home with you. I can relate to that 100 %. If you make the choice to take your child elsewhere at the end of the semester for that reason, as a parent, I can't and won't argue with you.

I also totally understand, if the financial commitment is too large to bear. It is a tremendous financial commitment, to commit for a school year. If you can't have your child return for that reason, I understand more than you know.

However, if you believe, that moving on at the end of one semester is academically and socially what is the best thing for your child, I would not fight you, but I would challenge your line of thinking.

If you are impressed with what SOAR and the Academy at SOAR is and can do for your child in a semester, imagine what a year can do. I've seen it. I wouldn't press the issue if I hadn't seen the evidence to support my claims.

Thanks for allowing us, at The Academy at SOAR, the opportunity to work with and grow your children.

Mike

Alone At School... And Far From Home

I was invited to dinner with the Appalachian Trail Team 1 the other night. It was a unique opportunity for me to see them outside of the school setting.. with their hair down, so to speak. It was really a lot of fun. I learned a great deal from my dinner date with your kids. First, we need to add a cooking class... no I'm just kidding, the kids did a bang up job preparing the meal. Second, I realized just how hard it must be to be a kid, going to school and living far away from the ones they love.

Now, I don't want to be a downer, but at the time I joined the kids for dinner I was feeling low myself. For those of you who don't know, I live in the area, and work for The Academy at SOAR, and my wife and kids live in Charlotte, 2 1/2 hours away. I know what you're saying, " Mike, that;s a heck of a commute!" and I supposed it would be, if I made the daily commute. Fortunately, and unfortunately, and realistically I don't. I only see my family on weekends during the school year. It's a tough economy, and we just can't afford to make the move yet, with a house to sell, kids in school, and the wife at work, there's a lot more to consider than simply picking up and hitting the road.

Reasons aside, I was feeling a little depressed the other night when I joined the kids for dinner. As I walked in to Founders Hall, the kids were busy into their evening routines. Chef was preparing the meal, with the assistance of the instructors, and the other students were taking a little break, just chatting, reading a good book, or listening to their IPODS. Everyone seemed quite content, yet, a little feeling of sadness overcame me. Here, were all these great kids... alone at school... without their families... and far from home. I suppose my own mood didn't help the reaction I had at the sight of seeing your kids out of the setting in which I ordinarily seem them, school. In the absence of the schoolhouse, they weren't just my students, they were kids, they were somebody's son, daughter, sister or brother. For a moment, everything just seemed a little out of place.

I joined the kids and their instructors for a great meal and conversation. It wasn't until later that night that I processed the feelings I was having. I was really feeling sorry for ALL of us, the kids and I. In processing through what I was feeling, I was able to put things back into perspective.

I, found my way to SOAR, because it was where I was meant to be. Far from the ideal situation all around, being away from home, I had found a great job, a place and people who needed me and what I had to offer. I also found a place where my strengths and talents, could be exhibited, benefit derived from, and a place where I felt I had a special contribution that was making a difference in a program, and in the lives of students, families, and colleagues each day. Yes, I was away from home, but it was, and is, where I needed to be.

Reflecting upon how SOAR was just right for me, and I for it, helped me to see how my students, each in their own individual way, also needed SOAR, and SOAR benefited from their presence. Each of my students, your children, has found a place here at SOAR where "their" unique strengths and talents could be put in the spotlight, where in the past perhaps, light was only shone on their shortcomings. or how they didn't fit the traditional mold.

Your kids, like myself, have found a great place, and a great school, are forming friendships and connections with peers and staff  who benefit from what they have to offer.

At a recent educational conference I attended, I listened to a keynote speaker, a very successful educator who stated that "Schools of the future that will survive will be the ones that continually strive to meet the needs of their students." – SOAR does this, and kids benefit.

He also stated that:

The trend of successful schools is:

Customization over standardization

Personalization versus collectivism

Non- traditional delivery versus traditional

SOAR is on this track.

This gentlemen also stated that, " We need to engage in 'purposeful abandonment' of things that no longer work." SOAR SOAR SOAR

The last profound statement that caught my ear was. "Successful education has time as the variable, and learning as the constant. Every child learns, just in a different time and a different way." SOAR SOAR SOAR SOAR SOAR!

While it may seem initially that I digress, all of these things that the educational expert stated successful schools that will last DO and ARE, SOAR already is, and is getting better at it every day.

It sort of connected the dots for me. For if it were my OWN child that needed help and support, I would do everything in my power, even if it meant them leaving home for a time, in order to work with professionals who "engage in 'purposeful abandonment' of things that no longer work.", to get an experience and an education that values customization over standardization, and personalization versus collectivism.  I would, if I were in your shoes as a parent, do whatever it takes to find a place that truly believes that "Every child learns, just in a different time and a different way, " and that "Successful education has time as the variable, and learning as the constant."

So while your kids and I may be, for the moment in time, far from home, we are never alone, and we each are here at SOAR for very specific and individualized purposes.  Once I pondered  why it is each of us is here at SOAR, and what we each give and receive from SOAR,  I realized that I will look back on my SOAR experiences years from now with amazement at what we all accomplished together and how it changed us. I honestly don't believe there is any way your child won't have similar feelings at the end of their SOAR experience, and years down the road.